英語笑話（通用14個）
笑話是引人發笑的話或事情。笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節簡單而巧妙，但往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑點來了的奇妙感覺，大多揭示生活中乖謬的現象，以下是小編整理的英語笑話，歡迎閱讀。
英語笑話 1
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"Youre a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的.錢干什么了？”
“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢？”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
英語笑話 2
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I see the bird, ma am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, maam, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
鳥窩與頭發
我姐姐是一位小學老師。一次一個學生告訴她說一只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
“是什么鳥呢？”我姐姐問她。
“我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。”那孩子回答說。
“那么，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵她道。
“哦，老師，就像你的頭發一樣。”
英語笑話 3
The mourners pain
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I dont wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wifes first husband.”
英語笑話 4
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的.一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最后實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。”
英語笑話 5
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.
Now, he asked, "Whats the meaning of the word Drunk, dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了。”
"But, dad," the boy said, " theres only ONE policeman!"
“可是，爸爸，”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀！”
英語笑話 6
Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, Ind., and the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year －"62-63", "63-64", "64-65", etc.
One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isnt it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
位于印第安那州瓦巴西的'懷茲中學，其門廳里懸掛著過去四十年間樣籃球隊的照片。每幅照片前排中間的隊員舉著一個籃球，上面標明年份－“62-63”，“63-64”，“64-65”等等。
一天，我看到一個新生很困惑地看著照片。他朝我轉過身來，說道：“多奇怪呀，這些隊都是以一分之差輸掉的！"
英語笑話 7
The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly whats wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "Ive just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, Im an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
醫生住在樓下
“醫生”她沖進屋后大聲說道。
“我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什么病。”
他從頭到腳打量打量她，然后大聲說：“太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的'美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。”
英語笑話 8
While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, What does hybrid pulse D/A converter mean?That means, she said, that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music.In other words this CD player plays CDs.Exactly.
在購買我的`第一部CD唱機時，我能夠解讀推銷標記上面的大多數技術語言。但是有一個標示卻讓我頗為迷惑，于是我叫過銷售商，問道：‘混合脈沖D/A變換器’是什么意思?它的意思是，她說，這個機器能夠讀CD碟上加碼的數字信息，將它轉換成聲音信息-也就是說，轉換成音樂。換句話說，這個CD唱機能夠播放CD碟。正是如此。
英語笑話 9
Were not reducing the prices 我們不會降價
At the supermarket near our convent I had filled my cart in a hurry and suddenly had an uneasy feeling that I didnt have enough money to pay for all the goods. In desperation I emptied all the items onto the floor and kneeing down, began to add up the prices.
Just then a young supervisor strolled over, bent down and whispered confidentially, "It doesnt matter how hard you pray, sister. Were not reducing the prices."
在我們修道院附近的超市，我急急忙忙地裝了滿滿一推車的東西。突然之間，我有了一種不安的感覺：我帶的錢可能不足以支付所有的商品。無可奈何之下，我把所有的東西都擺在地板上，跪下來開始把所有東西的'價格加在一起。
正在此時，一個年輕的超市管理員走了過來。他彎下腰，對我耳語道：“修女，無論你怎么費勁祈禱，我們現在都不會降價。”
英語笑話 10
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.
小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。
"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
她舉了這么一個例子：“有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的`船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水里。于是他開始掙扎并喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他并不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什么？”
A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"
一個女生舉手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”
Tips: bank在英語中除了我們平時很熟悉的“銀行”之外，還有“河岸”的意思。
英語笑話 11
Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals(長聲尖叫) of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! Im going to have one of those someday, his dads response always was Not as long as Im alive.
One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! Im getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.
我五歲的兒子對摩托車有強烈的`愛好。只要看見一輛摩托車，他就會高興得哇哇直叫，并激動地說：瞧這輛!瞧這輛，我總有一天也要有一輛。他爸爸的回答老是只要我活著，你就別想有這玩藝兒。
一天我們的兒子跟他的小朋友在說話，有一輛摩托車開了過去。他興奮的指著摩托車叫道瞧這輛!瞧這輛!等我爸一死我就要有這樣一輛摩托車了。
英語笑話 12
On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course.
大學的第一天，文學課我坐在了前排。
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
教授告訴我們這學期必須得讀五本書，他提供我們可供選擇的作者名單。
Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
隨后他緩步走上講臺，拿出課本，“貝克、布萊克、布魯斯、卡特、庫克…”
I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, "Hes taking attendance."
為了寫下所有的名字，我不得不瘋狂的'作著記錄。這時有人輕輕的拍我肩膀，坐在我后面的學生悄悄告訴我：“他在點名呢。”
英語笑話 13
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination. At last he succeeded.
我陪丈夫一起出差，他帶著他的.筆記本電腦。到了機場出口處時， 有位檢查員要他打開包。但是包鎖上了，機場工作人員耐心地等著我那窘迫的丈夫設法回想起暗鎖的密碼。最后他終于想起來了。
“Why are you so nervous?"I asked him.
”你為什么那么緊張呢？“我問他。
"The numbers are the date of our annivorsary．my husband confessed.
“密碼是我們的結婚紀念日。”他承認道”
你太晚了 You are too late 幽默笑話
英語笑話 14
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "Im here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."
"Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "Im here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
一個律師與一個工程師在加勒比海邊釣魚。律師說：“我到這里是因為我的.房子被大火燒了，保險公司賠償了我所有的損失。”
“這太巧了，”工程師說，“我是因為房子被洪水沖垮了，保險公司也賠償了所有的損失。”
律師看起來有些困惑，“你是怎么引起洪水的？”他不解的問。
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